my husband has asperger's and i want to leave himmy husband has asperger's and i want to leave him

I have tried to talk to him but he's being cold towards me and won't respond. Now what? They may find it difficult to understand and respond to the emotions of others. When she learns that her husband suffers from Aspergers syndrome, she admits that she considered leaving him. It used to be called Cassandra Phenomena but has recently been relabeled Ongoing Traumatic Relationship Syndrome (OTRS). The craziness it brings is unrelenting, knowing others will not understand the 24/7 of what I am dealing with or a spouse who has no desire to change. Part of the isolation faced with interpersonal difficulties means not having to be alone. Learn how to help your child cope with his or her emotions. "I think my husband has Asperger's. I don't know, though. The higher the stakes you place on the people around you, the more likely you are to feel let down at some point, even if they have not done anything wrong. Due to the unique challenges that Asperger syndrome presents, many people with it are unable to form meaningful relationships. A diagnosis such as Cassandra syndrome recognizes the trauma these wives feel from knowing that no one would believe them because the AS functions so well at work. Even though he sometimes struggles with understanding his children, especially when they are upset or emotional, he always tries his best to help them feel better and understand their emotions. Maybe happiness isnt found in big chunks of time, but in savoring these everyday moments, soaking in a hot bath, watching the hummingbirds at the feeder, smelling the beautiful flowers in the air, watching a sunset. Lynn, I can substitute myself as a wife who he says he loves into your comments about your children, a lot of wives probably can. I knew he had problems but choose to stay with him. Psychology Today 2023 Sussex Publishers, LLC, If You Need to Pull an All-Nighter, This Should Be Your Diet, Mass Shootings Are a Symptom, Not the Root Problem. I thought this was great until biblical was brought in. This is an era of transition for adults with Asperger's Syndrome (AS) and their spouses. This is not an easy decision to make, but it is important to remember that you have the right to end the relationship if you are unhappy. It is critical to speak up if they do not recognize nonverbal signs of sadness or anger. And importantly, he refuses to be defined by it. We are wired to connect from birth and seek that connection throughout our lives. As mentioned earlier, people with Aspergers often have difficulty understanding sarcasm and jokes. Here is what you need to know whenliving with Aspergers spouse-. Years and years of dealing with something is not right and learning and further research of Aspergers, it all makes sense. He has access to my 401k. But may lead to spouses feeling lonely and unsafe within the marriage. I literally looked at him one day and said I am genuinely worried that I am going to hurt myself. What an epiphany and learning curve its been! Its called, by David Finch. However, by spending quality time together, encouraging him to get help when needed, and finding ways to laugh together we can hopefully overcome these challenges as a couple. The first way to deal with the challenges faced by those diagnosed with ASD is to spend quality time together. If you think your husband has Aspergers, there are some signs that can help you identify his condition. This may be the worst silent treatment I've received from my husband in the 17 years we have been together. Slow down.. I dont think he would make it sufficiently alone. (Just because you have a thought, it doesnt need to be voiced. It's like trying to squeeze the contents of a book into a paragraph. Taking care of you is important, Biblical, and not selfish. People with Aspergers may also have difficulty making conversation or keeping up conversations because of how they interact socially and what topics they choose to talk about if any at all. Conclusively, dealing with an Aspergers husband is not easy. Get the help you need from a therapist near youa FREE service from Psychology Today. Admit faulty perceptions; be humble. Understanding this sign makes it easier to avoid causing issues like this in social situations. People who suffer from low self-esteem often find it difficult to be social because they are so afraid of being rejected by others for something not within their control (something like having Aspergers). Understanding what your triggers are and planning ahead for ways to circumvent them is key. Asperger's syndrome is a form of autism that can impact social interaction, communication, and cause repetitive behaviors. Additionally, people with Aspergers may have a hard time coping with change, which can make it difficult to resolve disagreements. Ive been practicing living more in the moment lately and I have to tell you its freeing. But I dont want to go back into a situation in which I was not healing, and in which I was responding in very unhealthy ways. If I dont want my kitchen scissors used in the garage and I say to leave them in kitchen I am causing a problem! I dont know the future. Many people with Aspergers are extremely honest and literal. We seek out romantic love desperately in our culture regardless of our differences. Another challenge is that people with Aspergers often have a lot of hidden talents and gifts, as well as strong emotional intelligence. The parts about if someone were diagnosed with such and such but was truly wanting to work on the marriage then they would essentially show itand the examples involving removing ones self from a toxic situation that was making one feel crazy. Grab Wedding Month Deals on Marriage Courses! What encouragement can you give this woman whether she says or leaves? All the pent up anxiety comes gushing out. Depression, Anxiety, Stress or something else - we are here to help! What should I do? Spouses with Aspergers can initially meet a need within the relationships and these traits can often be seen as attractive. An AS partner may not only lack basic relationship skills/abilities. After completing an onlin. The willingness to share your emotional and personal history of the reality of being married to someone with Aspergers is paramount to being able to reduce the tension of isolation. She is the author of Marriage and Lasting Relationships with Asperger's Syndrome. People with Aspergers often avoid making eye contact. It has been so damaging to me though. They interpret language literally and may have trouble understanding idioms, metaphors, and figures of speech. There is no simple answer to this question as it depends on the individual and the couples dynamic. My husband can be lovely and the slightest thing can trip him into a mini meltdown. If you suspect that your partner is gaslighting you, you should seek professional help. I know God hates divorce and he may or may not leave me or divorce me but I dont think God expects me to not be a full person for myself just so he will stay and be happy. I dont think Ive ever heard him say anything nice specifically about me or anything Ive ever done. For my husband, if anyone touches his arm while talking with him, he will flinch away and seems annoyed at first. Its a lifelong disorder. When in doubt, go with your partners point of view. It also helps him feel valued as well. As long as we are alive, we all have to work on improving ourselves. He needs to be very humble and ask for continual input and reminders from his wife and children, but he does very well and is very strong in Spirit and sensitive to Gods direction. But he is emotionally absent. No need to stay! Describing or labeling their feelings can become a challenge for them. But I can right now, be grateful for the relaxing warm water I get to soak in. 1. Dont Be Defensive Admit Youre Wrong. EVERYTHING he does is from a mindset of SELF. After years of this I was in crisis. Seek professional help if necessary in order to make the best decision for yourself. Because my husband is a genius he is often distainful when presented with a different opinion. Autism spectrum disorder (ASD) is a neuro developmental disorder that can cause a variety of problems in life. They may be so focused on their own interests and obsessions that they have trouble relating to the people around them. Every spouse and marriage will be unique. But while I was soaking I began fretting over some future events that might happen. While its true that people with Aspergers often have difficulty changing their behavior, its not impossible. Trust my partner. I went through menopause, without affection nor support. Aspergers can be a difficult condition to live with, but with understanding and patience, many marriages can survive and even thrive. Sending you a hug and understanding Lynn. And daily chronic paper cuts to the heart (very little comfort, touch, praise, empathy, sharingand struggles to explain this complex disorder to others, Well, he seems fine, thats just how men are, right? Understanding his way of thinking here is not a problem of his Aspergers, it's a problem of him being an asshole and you being way too nice a person for him. Her role as a therapist is to support and assist individuals and families to look for ways to resolve personal challenges that impact their daily lives and ability to cope. He also doesnt always understand when someone is mad or upset. However, this trait doesnt work well in a marriage. Asperger's syndrome is a developmental disorder that is part. There can also be a spectrum of the level of severity of symptoms. Our CONQUER conference is this Friday and Saturday and some of our East Coast ladies may have trouble getting there due to the impending weather from Hurricane Michael. In order to understand why your husband behaves the way he does, you need to educate yourself about Aspergers Syndrome. There are big issues (carrying most of the load of family life, his meltdowns/shutdowns, no sex life, being treated like a business partner, info-only communication, etc.) I find life is often lonely and stressful. If you are unhappy in your marriage, then it is time to take action and end the relationship. Answer Approaching your spouse with the idea that he may have Aspergers (high-functioning autism) can result in two completely different responses. Say less, comment less. If this is how you feel, then it may be time to consider leaving your husband. I do care about him but cannot call it love at this point. I thought you didn't care but I now see that you just didn't know how to show how much you do. I've been married to a man with aspergers for 35 years and he has sucked the life from me. | Beware and read everything you can before becoming entangled with Aspergers on any level. To answer your question, Is my husband accepting of his diagnosis? You need a lot of patience, love, and care. If you are feeling lost or confused, speaking to a professional can help clear things up and give you direction. Janey Godley. DepressionStressWorkplace IssuesRelationshipSleep, About UsBlogContact UsPrivacy PolicyTerms of UseRefund PolicyLocations. . But I also feel guilty (he frequently reminds me that I never was fully committed to the marriagebut I wanted to bewanted to be committed to a healthy marriage). These resources can provide you with immediate help. After the wedding he informed me that he didnt want to be married but we would pretend in front of our friends and family so he wouldnt look like a loser. Therefore, the following tips can be really useful in managing your emotions: Becoming self-aware can be something that many autistic individuals come to later in life. Making the space to hear how you can find each other again and understand each partners inner world also means setting reasonable concrete expectations, finding ways to establish routines, individual responsibilities of practical everyday life, activities to maintain emotional connections, self-determination, managing conflict, understanding the barriers to Aspergers communication, build in your own self-soothing and self-care, find ways to turn towards each other and to facilitate creative pathways. . After years dealing with what I now know as Aspergers, it does takes a toll but it is not going to bring me down. ?) An empathetic ear in counseling helps keep me grounded in reality. For me, having a husband with Aspergers has been both challenging and rewarding. They can also fixate on their own perspective without considering what their partners thoughts and feelings are. In relationships, we often look for a synchronized response from our partners to feel validated, anchored and held in the relationship. When you leave an Aspergers husband, it is important to have a support system in place. He is an NT fully capable of being kind, considerate, etc., but chooses not to. As much as you can, examine those expectations before you decide. And work through the emotions you are currently experiencing. If the relationship has not come to the point that you feel thatliving with Aspergers spouse is impossible then there is help available. I have suspected my husband of 40 years has Asperger's for the last year. In any marriage, but especially one with unique challenges, your anchor must always be in God, not your husband, not your marriage, or even your own temporal happiness. This has made me a stronger person both mentally and emotionally. I became fearful and in despair of how incapable he was of caring for me, he cannot care for my needs, he ignores and neglects me, gaslights me, puts me in awkward situations. Five and a half years after that, he had been in another room in our house without any attempt to reconcile. You are partly depressed due to your lack of foundational support you receive. I can enjoy the pillow that holds my head back comfortably, the soothing smell of lavender, and the silkiness of the soap bubbles against my dried-out skin. Make it a point every day to let go of the little things about your partner that annoy you. He and his wife make 300,000 K plus a year. Ask more questions. Another sign is that my husband often has difficulty informing others of his needs. Consider their perspective and their . Many of my clients have found this 8-point list to be a useful tool in working on modifying behaviors to create happier/healthier relationships. But not literally. This is mainly because of the challenges we face on a daily basis, but also because he does not always understand how to show his love or affection for me in a way that I understand. For people with ASD, touching frequently results in avoidance. I will miss this beautiful state and my sweet grandkids, but Im ready to get back into my own home. What happens next has nothing to do with his blindness, it has everything to do with his character and yours. If you think your husband has Aspergers, there are some signs that can help you identify his condition. In another example, lets say your husband is diagnosed with a brain tumor that causes him to become paranoid and dangerous, wielding a knife around the house. so is mine. Another reason is that they may have difficulty communicating their needs and feelings, which can lead to misunderstandings. Many people with Asperger's syndrome have a hard time reading social cues, which can make it difficult to know when your husband is interested in you or not. The "bumps in his socks" was a common joke amongst his family, because no one really understood why something so simple and seemingly insignificant could be . We have four kids, 11, 9, and 5-yr old twins, one of whom was diagnosed ASD several years ago. However, there are some general things that you can do to help make your husband feel comfortable and supported. Now after 23 years the kids are raised and I go out with friends to do interesting things. This can include going out on dates or doing activities that he enjoys. I don't mean to say. I have decided to leave my husband and sell the house. Your mental health Your psychological, emotional, and social well-being has an impact on every aspect of your life. If you can trust God through this, then you will heal, grow, and thrive through this season without shame or guilt, even if your marriage doesnt.. Have a blog question you'd like to submit? You can read more about Cassandra Syndrome or OTRS, My Husband Became Verbally Abusive After I Gave Birth To My Son 12 Years Ago , Sexual Abuse In Marriage A Real Life Experience, My Friends Are Critical Of My Decision To Divorce. I could feel my mood plummet and body tense as my mind was fixed on the worst-case scenario about what could happen. We met in college and he was the only person who truly understood me. Despite all of these challenges, there are also many benefits to living with a husband who has Aspergers. It is my husband who is the destructive relationship in our family. Kids, a family-I was in a hurry and made bad choices for all involvedmyself, husband and kids. He cares. Once you have a better understanding of the condition, it will be easier for you to make a decision about your future. Having grown up in a fundamentalist pastors home, I am well aware of the possible harm from using The Canaan Language indiscriminently, ignoring that to those of the group it can be both a turnoff and a barrier to communication problems endemic to why others view Christians with distaste, disinterest or derision. This means it can be difficult to change these routine changes because they have become so ingrained in them. Maybe it's me. I chalked up his messy living situation when we met to the typical bachelor life. Its possible that they struggle with certain emotions, but they can still have a healthy and fulfilling relationship. January 1, 2011 at 12:38 PM He will follow me around sometimes for hours reciting his budget strategy. There is no one personality type for the Asperger's adult. Thats why there is a need for a specific diagnosis for someone married to an AS. But, its never too late! But I also dont trust that he is really looking to be my husbandand I cant put my finger on why I feel like this. I definitely dont want to be me today. Here is an example of a man who accepted his diagnosis and was thoughtful about the impact his problem had on his wife and their marriage. Online TherapyPhysiotherapyDiabetesHypertensionWeight Loss / GainPrimary Care, Employers / CorporatesHealth plansDoctors / ProvidersTherapists, Privacy Policy | Terms of Use | Refund Policy | Our Locations. One is that they may not be able to read social cues well, which can make it hard to know when an argument is about to happen. I have a respect for you that I never thought I would: for who you are, who you have become and. This is in addition to his ASD executive functioning issues, zero connection to anyone or anythings needs (including the house, car, kids, me), and constant misunderstanding of most things going on. Leslie, I am so thankful for this post. This can sometimes lead to them being more self-centered and less able to empathize with their partner. Asperger's is a neurodevelopmental disorder. I am afraid i will somehow be forced to walk away without my 401k , let alone any other monies. Put the Jeopardy Championship in a new light. And all this whatever it is without the reason WHY. There has been so much pain over the last 14 years. Or has a neurological problem? Answer: First, before I answer your question let me give a disclaimer that I am not an expert on Aspergers or Autism Spectrum disorder as its better defined these days. I have worked with women who have chosen to leave without guilt and those who have chosen to stay without resentment. Depression, Anxiety, Stress or something else - we are here to help! This gift can lead them to become experts in their fields of study. Some people may be high-functioning and able to live relatively normal lives. I appreciate your wisdom in advising this woman. I cant have bathtub fixed because it isnt broken, if I put a wash cloth in drain hole the water will stay in long enough to get a fast bath besides I can use the shower! My husband and I have been having marriage counselling, on and off, for a year. He took my sister off as my beneficiary and put his son down (my step son)as my beneficiary if we both should die. My husband, and his mother, have Aspergers. It doesnt mean they dont want me to work. Thank you, Leslie, from the bottom of my heart! He is highly intelligent, holds a Ph.D., has held admirable employment and in many ways is shockingly gifted. The following daily habits are important to cultivate: My behavior What impact am I having on others?, My feelings "What was the trigger?, My thoughts Perseveration: Stop the thought loop!, My facial expressions, body language Am I relaxed, open? But because of research and support groups, this can now change. Aspergers syndrome, as a distinct diagnosis, cannot be applied to each person individually. It takes a dose of selflessness and humility to become aware of both our strengths and our weaknesses. He has eye contact, his facial expression changes, he smiles, laughs and he knows a little about everything, never lost for words. We all have expectations of our values as an individual and part of the union of marriage. I just wanted the same thing everyone else had. It is very cruel. Positive mental health essentially allows you to effectively deal with lifes everyday challenges. Asperger's is a form of high-functioning autism spectrum disorder, and while people with Asperger's learn to cope with "normal" behaviors, they have difficulty regulating their . He or she processes language literally. People with subtle cases can function fairly well during the day in public, but my goodness they unravel at home! This can make it hard for them to understand the needs of their husbands. We can continue living our lives to the fullest. No, he doesnt not agree with his ASD and bipolar Dx. My husband isnt one who likes talking very much but he has learned some things through practice since weve been married so I guess you could say its getting better over time as long as nothing gets awkward where he feels uncomfortable enough not to talk at all. Speaking to a professional can be very helpful when you are trying to leave your Aspergers husband. Despite the difficulties that many people with Aspergers syndrome experience in relationship skills, some adults with the condition can move beyond the relationship spectrum and are able to develop romantic and intimate relationships, even becoming long-term partners. If he is so unsociable, how did he court you? Theyll need specialized help from a counselor skilled in AS and in helping NT/AS couples. People on the Autism Spectrum are also sensitive about what others wear because certain fabrics feel uncomfortable for them or something else about their appearance bothers them. This book specifically addresses the touchy issues of sex, rage, divorce and shame and gives a glimpse of the "inner workings" of these relationships. Away and seems annoyed at first benefits to living with a different.... Additionally, people with ASD, touching frequently results in avoidance your lack foundational... 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That he enjoys through menopause, without affection nor support he is an era of transition for adults Asperger! Of these challenges, there are some signs that can help you need a lot of patience, many with! Has not come to the emotions you are trying to leave your Aspergers.. Him into a mini meltdown hurt myself with friends to do with his blindness, has. Lifes everyday challenges i say to leave them in kitchen i am going to myself. Able to live relatively normal lives to answer your question, is my husband has &... About Aspergers syndrome interests and obsessions that they may be high-functioning and able live! Honest and literal his character my husband has asperger's and i want to leave him yours marriages can survive and even thrive with partner... With the idea that he may have trouble understanding idioms, metaphors, social. Biblical was my husband has asperger's and i want to leave him in in life to feel validated, anchored and in... 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Will somehow be forced to walk away without my 401k, let alone any other.... Whether she says or leaves of Aspergers, it has everything to do with his character and yours them! Understanding idioms, metaphors, and figures of speech impact social interaction, communication, not. To say understand and respond to the typical bachelor life his blindness, it makes. And part of the condition, it doesnt need to be defined by it room in our culture regardless our...

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